I have been living with my mom since my wreck. I've barely been alone at all since my accident even happen and it makes me so scared to know I'm about to get my own place + finally step back into the "real world". My mother has done a lot for me since I moved in with her back in September + I'm seriously so scared to be on my own again. Growing up kind of sucks sometimes but I have to take this step sometime. I'm sure my blog will be full of more posts about being on my own again.. but anyways..
My first night back in Illinois, I had the most vivid dream I've had in a while. I dreamed I had moved out on my own with a group of friends and that I could walk. It felt so real. In my dream, I still used a wheelchair but I was strong enough to walk around my house, in and out of the bathroom, to my bed, anything I wanted in small steps. I woke up to go to the bathroom the next morning + sat there for a while thinking "Sabrina, you don't need to use your chair. You're strong enough to just walk to the bathroom without it"
Then it hit me, I'm not strong enough to walk, not even to stand.
My legs are jello. The moment any pressure is put on them, they crumble underneath me. I can barely move my toes from time to time, how can I manage walking?
It's so easy to "forget" I'm paralyzed. I find myself trying to move my legs and thinking to myself "why can't you just use your legs + make this easier?" I'm not sure if other people who are paralyzed have the same thing, but it happens often to me. I mean, I've not used my legs in a little of nine months now but my brain still seems to think I can. I guess maybe it's because I've yet to come to the understanding that this is my life forever, I have hopes that this is just a temporary thing + I will get to walk again. A part of me has to understand and be okay with it but a large part of me still sees that open door and the smallest of chances. With God all things are possible. I pray that if this is what God has planned for me, to be in a wheelchair forever, that He prepare my heart + the heart of my family. I've yet to recieve a "yes Sabrina, you are never going to walk again" or a "No, Sabrina. You will walk again".. it's always more of Him saying that I don't need to worry about anything + that He is in control. So I just keep fighting + praying, that's all I can do for now.
Being in Illinois is going to come with a lot of new things to me. Being on my own is obviously one of them but I will also be able to go out more with friends who knew me BEFORE my wreck + may not have adjusted to me being in a wheelchair now. I will eventually go back to school + start working a job again + it's kind of scary to me. I just really pray that this is the right choice for me + will lead me in the right direction.
I'm excited to share this new journey with you all and I would really appreciate your prayers/kind words. God Bless.
It's so easy to "forget" I'm paralyzed. I find myself trying to move my legs and thinking to myself "why can't you just use your legs + make this easier?" I'm not sure if other people who are paralyzed have the same thing, but it happens often to me. I mean, I've not used my legs in a little of nine months now but my brain still seems to think I can. I guess maybe it's because I've yet to come to the understanding that this is my life forever, I have hopes that this is just a temporary thing + I will get to walk again. A part of me has to understand and be okay with it but a large part of me still sees that open door and the smallest of chances. With God all things are possible. I pray that if this is what God has planned for me, to be in a wheelchair forever, that He prepare my heart + the heart of my family. I've yet to recieve a "yes Sabrina, you are never going to walk again" or a "No, Sabrina. You will walk again".. it's always more of Him saying that I don't need to worry about anything + that He is in control. So I just keep fighting + praying, that's all I can do for now.
Being in Illinois is going to come with a lot of new things to me. Being on my own is obviously one of them but I will also be able to go out more with friends who knew me BEFORE my wreck + may not have adjusted to me being in a wheelchair now. I will eventually go back to school + start working a job again + it's kind of scary to me. I just really pray that this is the right choice for me + will lead me in the right direction.
I'm excited to share this new journey with you all and I would really appreciate your prayers/kind words. God Bless.
Lovely post Sabrina, I think you should really pay attention to that dream your had. I find those dreams that feel very REAL are important and usually have a message for us. I know being hurt myself though not to the same degree that having hope of recovery is great though some days its hard and seems better to except the current state of your health.
ReplyDeleteBut I think that you should hold onto that dream and focus on the power you have within yourself. How exciting about you getting your own place.
All the best, Laura
Thanks Laura.
DeleteI have had dreams like that before, where I'm walking or whatever. but this one was so real that when I woke up I actually had to argue with myself.
What an exciting - but also terrifying time for you! It's probably gonna be rough, and you'll have a lot of trials, but God will be there by your side the whole time. I know a lot of times I get nervous living on my own. What if I hurt myself when I'm at home by myself? What if I can't reach a phone at the time? What happens when I'm in recovery? It's scary. But I love what you said about how it's more about God saying that we have nothing to worry about and he's in control. I have to remind myself about this ALL THE TIME. More than likely, he's never going to give me a definite answer about any of my questions about life - but he is there and in control and I need to stop worrying. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily. I appreciate it so much.
DeleteMaybe God won't ever give me a yes or no answer to me walking, I think a lot of it has to do with me trusting God. I mean, I have to now. He's the only one who has any answers for me + He knows my fate. Ya know?