*Do you believe you're missing out
And everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through
I posted this photo on my Instagram a few days ago after having a pretty upsetting day. I want to talk to you all about what's getting me down + hopefully someone out there can understand me + help a little.
Most of you probably know that I got hurt in June. I was in a car wreck that left my paralyzed. I spent three months in the hospital + then decided to move to Tennessee to live with my mum for better treatment. I'm currently living four-five hours away from all my friends and I've yet to make new friends here. It's something that really kind of upsets me a little because I used to be such a busy person. I always was doing something, rather it be working, going to shows or just hanging out with friends. Now, I don't have that anymore. I barely even get to talk to my friends because they're so busy with their life. (As I would be if I wasn't having to take time off from work/school because of my injury).
The other day, it really got me down. I had told my mom that I would like to move home and get my own place. I want to be able to have my own space to do what I want and sit down + organize things the way I wanted them to be. It's really hard on me because I have stuff all over. I have stuff here at my mothers, stuff at my dads, things at my sisters. It's all over + it really stresses me out. I haven't even been to my dads house since my wreck to go through what was found at my wreck scene and put into boxes. I hate not knowing if I have certain CDs or certain clothes I want to wear. I am also ready to get a car + start being able to come and go as I please. My mother is scared because she thinks I'm not ready for a car or ready to be on my own yet. It makes me so upset at myself that I can't be ready to be independent again. I feel like it's already been almost a year + I'm sick of putting my life on hold because I got hurt.
I feel like I have to be 15 all over again. I have to ask for permission before I make plans because I need my mum to take me places. I have to plan things out just right so that I make sure I will be able to do things like go pee + get into peoples houses without trouble. I can't just get up and go to the store + buy things because I need them, I have to make sure my parents will take me. It's so frustrating because I know what it's like to just come and go as I please, not having to answer to anyone. I want that freedom back so bad.
I'm not saying I am mad at my parents or my friends for these things, because it's really not their fault. If anyone is to blame here, it's myself. I know I can't blame myself for what happened because it was an accident + I can't change anything about it. I'm just ready to have my freedom back + be a young adult having fun. I'm 20 + I feel like right now is the prime time for me to go whatever I want and it be okay. I'm not tied down with kids or anything. I want to get a car and have my own place so that I can have people come over + stay the night with me or just hang out. Having a car would allow me to better make plans with people + go to them if they can't come to me.
Has anyone else every went through something like this? Where you just feel like you've been missing out on the "good times" of growing up? If so, what did you do to get through it?
Your girl needs some help.
*this title made me sing Brand New, if you caught those lyrics, I love you.
I can't say I've been through what you've been through with your accident, but I definitely know what it's like to crave the freedom of having a car and doing your own thing. I started working at the local supermarket when I was 15 and have been really independent most of my life. I bought my own car because I wasn't even allowed to learn to drive in my mum's. I had to pay for everything I could back then, so I paid for driving lessons and finally got my license at 18. Until then, I HATED asking people for lifts or asking mum to drive me anywhere, but once I got my car, I relied on NO ONE and would drive myself everywhere, always busy with something social or working or studying. I moved out when I was 22 and couldn't WAIT to have my own place. I just need my own little house where I can be messy when I want to, organise things the way I want and not have to answer to other people all the time.
ReplyDeleteI'm 33 now but couldn't imagine being an adult and being without a car, and living at home. It must be difficult! Especially because you're in a situation you can't do anything about (ie. you're injured and you had to move home). Maybe there's some temporary measures you can take to feel like you're getting some of your independence back... I'm not sure what, because I'm not sure how injured you still are and what kind of care you need, but you might be able to think of something. Hang in there! I know you must be going cray-cray! Lol. Email me if you ever feel like chatting... fionaatlarge@hotmail.com. www.fionaatlarge.blogspot.com xoxo
Through all the trials I've faced in my life, this is one of those few things, that I've never had to face, even though i was stripped of most of my normal childhood, I never had so much taken away from me. I hate to think about how these things are so hard for you, and i pray they get better, to the point of you working so hard to do your therapy and get back to being independent, it hurts to have to sit back and hear about how unhappy you are, and not be able to do anything about it. Although I agree that atleast until you're done with your current therapy sessions, you should be with your mom, maybe you can talk to her about how all the limitations she sets brings you down, Considering everything that i can understand, is that half of this battle you're in is mental. Being down about things isn't gonna help, not saying you should get everything you want, but maybe she'll understand if you come about everything differently. I really wish i could help with this somehow or some way, but all i can do is be here for you, <3
ReplyDelete