Paralyzed Diaries: 002: Relationships

 I know I've talked about dating before as a general topic on my blog ( here's an example) but I get lots of questions about relationships while being in a wheelchair. I thought it would be something I could touch base on in this series because I know a lot of people want to have advice on such things.

I've been in a wheelchair for 9 months + relationships have been the hardest part for me. Not just with boys I fancy, but people in general. I hate to admit it but I am kind of insecure about my chair. It's been part of me for 9 months but it's still something I get really insecure about. Naturally when it came to relationships, I had the mindset of "Nobody wants to date/ be friends with a girl who is in a wheelchair" + maybe there are guys out there who won't date a girl in a wheelchair (just like I won't date a mister who smokes.) or people who don't wanna be my friend because I can't walk but there are people out there who could give no cares about my chair. I know it's so cliche to say that, but it's true. It seems like a big deal to me because I am insecure about it but it's not really a big deal to others.

 I've been with my current boyfriend for a little over a month. I know that's not long at all but every since we started talking, I have felt so comfortable with him. The one thing I've learned since I started dating him is that you have to be honest with your partner. I had to tell Mikal all the things I was worried about (like trying to transfer from my chair to the couch in front of him) + he either had to be able to accept them and work through them with me or he could leave. Mikal NEVER made me feel uncomfortable about not being able to walk or the fact that I come with a little more baggage. He is super supportive in everything I do. I got really lucky and I thank God for Mikal daily.

There's much more that goes into a spinal cord injury and that's honestly the scariest part for me about trying to form relationships with people. I get so worried about others judging me for something I cannot control. I don't typically get into super personal things on my blog but since I'm talking about my injury, I might as well be honest. (you can google my injury + read about it anyway) I have to stick to a certain pee schedule or I will pee my pants and trust me as embarrassing as it is to say it- I've peed my pants in front of Mikal PLENTY of times. Did he make me feel like I was worthless because of it? No. Of course, we both make jokes about it from time to time because that's how I deal with things that I'm insecure about. I've even peed in front of friends + none of them made me feel like I was less than they were. Some of them may not always know what to say or how to react but they don't make me feel awful for it. Of course, I had to be open with them about it too. People don't think about all the things that go into a spinal cord injury, they just see I can't walk + that's it. It's hard having to admit to people I can't control my body but I have to in order to be comfortable with people. It's a part of my life now and the people who really care about me will accept it and understand.

I also notice myself being kind of jealous that I can't do things like I used to. I hate feeling like I'm missing out on being a 20 year old. I am kind of forced to grow up before I was really ready too. ( Remember this post about that?) I have to think about what's best for my progress before I think about what I want + I get jealous that my friends can just do whatever they want. I've never been one to answer to others. I have always had freedom to do what I want, when I want and now that I can't walk, I have to depend on others. I hate it so much + I notice myself taking this out on people I care about because I'm upset with myself. It's not anyone's fault really, I just take it out on others because it's easier for me to be mad at someone else than it is to be mad at myself for the situation I put myself in. 

I asked Mikal to join me in writing this post since he sees things from another point of view + this is what he wrote:

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Well hello, my name's Mikal I'm sure if you haven't caught on by now, but im Sabrina's boyfriend. Haha, im not very good with talking in the open, on the internet or in person, but i'll try to be to the point . I came across a friend request from Sabrina in December, seeing she had some friends in common with me, i accepted, basically untill she told me, i didnt really know that she he ever had an accident. We didnt talk instantly like we were going to date or anything i just shared a lot of things about my life, as she did with me. Personally i didnt think i was a person that exactly could look past a wheelchair when i had thought about it in the past, but meeting sabrina, i totally felt like i was comfortable with her, and i have to say she's completely right when she says you have to be honest.

There's obviously things that are different in the relationship, from needing to make sure when you're going on dates that the place is handicapped accessible to the fact that one of my personal things, is that i like to put my hand on her leg if she's busy, but then i have to remember that she cant feel my hand there if im trying to get her attention. Also allowing time to take breaks for the bathroom or time to get ready, or do things.

(always putting his hand on my leg)

The other side of it though is, though trusting this lovely lady and giving it a chance, I've found a awesome relationship that i can have complete trust in, even when my jealousy gets the best of me, i know everything's gonna be alright, not because she's in a wheelchair, but because i finally found someone i could trust.

Personally, being patient and understanding, are what i think makes us work so well, we dont have a lot of things that are in common, so when im wanting to play computer games, or poke'mon, (yeah im that guy... haha) she's okay with it, and its the same for me to her when she wants to do something im not exactly interested in, all i can say, is the only thing i know is i wouldn't be nearly as happy as i am at this moment if it wasn't for her.

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As you can see, he's obv. super sweet (reading that for the first time made me tear up a bit) + He said himself that he never really saw himself as someone who could date a girl in a wheelchair, but he got to know ME..not my chair and that's why our relationship works so well. He doesn't make a big stink about it + I don't feel worried about him judging me because of it.

I guess my best advice is that you have to find someone you're comfortable with. Someone you can tell all your fears too + have them support you no matter. You're going to have to find someone who is willing to help you fight the battle, both mentally + physically. There's things about having a spinal cord injury that people don't want to talk about but in order to make a relationship work (with anyone) you have to be open with others in order to maintain a relationship with them.Yeah, they are people out there who won't understand or accept things for what they are but if you honestly think about it, do you want to be a part of those peoples lives? Probably not. It's hard knowing that people can't see past the chair but it's something that happens + you just have to look past it.


If there's something you want me to talk about that deals with my spinal cord injury/ life in a wheelchair, please let me know in a comment below or send me an email at sabrinatakespicturesATgmailDOTcom. Nothing super personal though, please.

Mikal.

I know I've mentioned Mikal a little bit before on the blog + I really haven't explained much because I feel like lately I've just been talking to guys, decide to date and then they can't hang anymore. I kind of feel like this blog is my child + I don't want to keep bringing people in and out of it's life, ya know? Anyways, I think it's okay for me to talk about this all now because I feel rather confident with things. Let's start at the beginning of things...

 Meet Mikal.

Almost two months ago, I was searching Facebook and ran across this guys page. I thought he was cute + I was super bored, so I added him. He accepted my friend request and we started messaging each other. I eventually told him all about my wreck, that I was paralyzed and all he said was "I have faith in you, you will walk again" Most people typically go for the "I'm so sorry, Sabrina. I can't imagine.. will you walk again?"..or something of the sort. He didn't even act like it phased him + I really liked that.

Fast forward a few weeks, Mikal and I were spending hours on the phone (typically any where from 1 to 5 hours). We would just talk about anything and everything. It was comforting to me to have someone to call and just vent to. He doesn't understand all my struggles, but he has grown up around similar situation. Even if he didn't understand, he still listened and that was really nice to me.

I guess over the last 8 months, I've kind of felt like I don't have many people to talk to that won't judge me and honestly the biggest thing is trying to cope mentally with knowing what's going on + what I'm "missing" with not being able to walk or do things easy anymore. I have never been a phone person but it was really a highlight of my day to call him every night before bed + just talk.

We decided that we wanted to meet up. I didn't want to rush a relationship again because I was worried that he wouldn't realized what all comes with my injury + he would bail just like other guys. We had made plans to go out for Valentines Day, but there was a chocolate sampling thing going on last weekend so we cleared it with my mum + made the plans to meet.

I won't lie, I was super nervous to meet him. We decided to meet at the mall + have lunch with my parents + just hang out until the chocolate thing started. Well, we were driving around + we noticed that the event sold out, so we called my parents and just came back to my house to watch movies and have dinner with my parents. 

He ended up stayed the whole weekend and left yesterday afternoon. I was super super sad to see him go but we made plans to see each other again in a few weeks when I make a trip back home.. I am super happy + it's really nice.

I also want to say that it is scary for me to start a relationship again. I feel like lately I have been trying to find happiness by being with someone and that isn't like me at all. I do start to have attacks of feeling like I'm less than deserving of being with someone (or being happy) because I am in the situation I am in. I get overwhelmed with thinking I'm "not good enough" because I am hurt and it's a lot for people to handle. At the same time, I think my injury shouldn't change how someone feels about me, but the truth of the matter is that it does + I worry about that. I think Mikal understands a lot and I've expressed my concerns about being in a relationship with him (especially one that is long distance.) I pray that God will keep us both grounded in Him + that Gods will will be done. That's really all I can do.

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p.s. did you win my giveaway?
p.s.s did you take my PR survey?

Dating: Why I Am Leaving It up to God.

This really doesn't have a lot to do with my progress/ or my injury itself just something I really wanna express and talk about because its been on my heart.

First things first: Most of you are curious if Dillion & I broke up because he couldn't handle my situation. I don't wanna say that's what happened. Dillion was working nights & started to oversleep so he couldn't come see me. We were barely talking or seeing each other and it became very stressful to me to maintain a relationship with little to no communication. It was a lot to handle & we had only been dating for like, four months. I couldn't really be a good girlfriend because I could barely even take care of myself. There is a lot more that goes into it but I don't want negative things being said on my blog about my past. I broke up with Dillion because I knew it was a hard situation to be in & I could tell he wasn't in it anymore. I don't talk to him anymore. It's better off that way. :) the past is the past & yes, there are things I miss but I know I'm better off this way & I really hope the best for him in whatever he does. That's all that needs to be said on that matter.

I know I posted a Facebook status about this a while back. Dating is something that's been on my heart a lot lately. I bet you're probably thinking "shouldn't you be focused on other things?" And yes, I should. You also have to realize I am 20 year old female. Boys are going to cross my mind so I do what I know best to do- I pray.

I do a lot (a whole lot) of thinking about the future & where I wanna be. I know I have a lot ahead of me but I always think about my future husband. I pray for him & I even used to keep a notebook for him. I know that God has a *perfect* dude for me & he is everything I'll ever need in a husband.

The waiting part is hard. I always wonder if I've met the man I'm going to marry. I wonder what he is like, if he prays for me & our future. I wonder what he likes & if he is a bed hog. Does he like coffee & will he get along with my family? I always wonder & I do a lot of talking to God about him. I usually get the same answer back which is usually along the lines of "be patient." Patience was never something I was good at but the last five months is something ive had to deal with.

Actually, before I started dating Aaron, i felt called by God to stop dating. I didn't date for maybe a year or two. Then Aaron came into my life & that was that. I don't really think that God is asking me to not date again, He is just asking me to really focus on listening to Him.

Something I really struggle with is lust & wanting to be with someone for the wrong reasons. God has really opened my eyes to this. The main reason my previous relationships have failed is because of me lusting after someone and putting things like sex before God in my relationships. The Bible makes it very clear about sex before marriage (& that will probably be a post within itself because I've got a lot to say on that topic) & I made the choice to not wait. It was MY choice & I realize now how I let that choice take control and ruin a lot of good things for me. I don't regret that I didn't wait, I am hurt that i let it take control. This is something I have always kept to myself because I was always worried about being judged for it, but I really feel its something a lot of people struggle with too and I feel like I need to talk about it because so many people can't. God blessed me with an ability to be able to speak with people and be open about things I struggle with. Sharing my struggles may help someone else who is secretly struggling with the same thing.

I prayed (& still do) that God places the right people into my life. Not only men, but females too. I feel like lately God has totally answered that. Ive been so so blessed by the amount of love and support i get daily. It's sometimes overwhelming.

Like I said in Facebook, I really encourage you all to really focus on putting your faith in God that He will bring you the right lady/gent when the timing is right. If you're like me, pray for patience too. Pray hard about your future & where God will take you. He knows far better than you or I do.

If there's something you wanna talk about/ questions you have for me. Please do not hesitate to write me. I'm an open book & love talking to people. I plan on doing a q&a soon (send me your questions. Whatever they be)

My email is sabrinatakespictures@gmail.com

Or you can Facebook me.
God Bless.