A few days ago I logged on to Facebook, like I do many many times a day. Not long after scrolling through all the normal stuff, something caught my eye. A an old friend of mine had been tagged in a post and the words "RIP" were captioned. I quickly said "Please don't let this be real." and went to his page.. only to find a lot of posts sharing the same things. People shared stories of how he helped them through the hardest times in their life, how he always put a smile on their face and how kind he was. There were photos of him and his beautiful little girls.. I honestly couldn't wrap my head around any of this. My first thought was that he was killed because he was in the military.. but I was wrong.
My friend took his own life.
Just days before his birthday, he committed suicide. I found out from one of his friends that he'd been promising to get help, told everyone he was okay and that nobody needed to worry about him. Some of his family were on their way down to see him because they were worried.. but they were too late.
I went back and read through some messages we recently sent to each other. He was stationed in Ft Campbell, which was pretty close to where I was living when I lived in TN. We were talking about meeting in person finally so I could meet his family. We skyped and had a conversation. I didn't realize then how badly he was hurting. It came as such a surprise when I found out he took his own life. He was always the happiest person when we would talk, always wiling to listen to me rant about the small things that got on my nerves. He'd talk about his beautiful little twin girls, they were his world. I read the words, the memories people are putting on his wall. He was so loved. I can't help but get emotional when I read the words from his father.. "you were supposed to bury me, not the other way around... you told me Sunday night that you were going to call me back... I am still waiting by my phone for you to call... why is it that every time my phone rings... its not you.... SON, I love you so very much..."
My friend left behind two little girls. He was a father, a friend, a son, a brother, a nephew and now those people are having to deal with losing him way too early in life. Two little girls have to grow up without a father, only pictures and passed down memories. He is so loved and he was so consumed by sadness, he wasn't thinking about his actions.
I know I have spoke out about how badly I was hurting after my wreck and even after I broke up with Mikal. I felt so.. alone and there were many times where I thought suicide was my only way out. The thought crossed my mind many times and I would just pray and pray until I finally fell asleep. I didn't talk to anyone because I felt silly, my problems felt so small and I worried everyone would judge me. I'm thankful enough my sister saw through my fake smiles and called me out on everything.. I told her how I felt I had to be the strong one, that people needed to always see me happy or else I felt I would fail them.
The whole point of me sharing this is that I want you to know if you're feeling like you have no other option or nobody to talk to, please email me. I may not always have the best advice and sometimes, I have no words to say, but I promise I will listen, judge free. I know what it's like to feel alone, to feel like there's nobody. The truth is, there ARE people who care about you and are willing to listen, you just need to open up. I know how hard it can be though and I want you to know my email is always open, even if you want to be anon. Suicide is never the answer, ever.
If a friend opens up to you and tells you they are thinking about suicide, take it seriously. Don't tell someone they are silly for being sad about something. Sadness is okay but you can't let it consume you.. please talk to someone if you're thinking about suicide.
I love you all dearly.
-Sabrina.
*this post was spur of the moment. I've been trying to plan out my posts so I'm not falling behind but I felt this needed to be said.
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. My friend's brother took his own life two years ago. He was popular at work and his wife, little boy and family loved him. Outwardly he seemed happy, but he suffered from depression. My friend went through so many emotions; shock, anger, sadness....repeat. People were saying he was selfish to leave a three year old fatherless and could see no reason for what he did. If everybody made time for each other to talk and listen, however small the problem seems to the listener, it could make a difference. I hope your friend's family are ok. x
ReplyDeleteIts really tragic...makes me feel so sad when I read this. I do feel there is a stigma to being depressed......I think it is hard for people who don't suffer with depression to completely understand what it feel likes. I am shocked the number is so high...and to think by the time I finished writing this another 3 people in the world have died. Thank you for writing this post.
ReplyDeleteThis is so sad :( It makes it so, so tragic when this potentially could have been avoided if he had sought help. Depression is not something that you can will away, that will fix itself - Mental health promotion is so important. People think its something wrong with them, or a character flaw. It isn't! I hope the stigma surrounding depression and mental health will go away in my lifetime, because it is something that really needs to happen. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that maybe because of your post somebody who is struggling will reach out. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Sabrina. I lost someone very close to me to suicide. Because of that, suicide prevention is a cause near and dear to my heart. I am so glad you posted about this. It's an important issue that doesn't get talked about enough because of the stigma associated with suicide and mental illness. It's nothing to be ashamed of and I love that you have put yourself out there as a friend to those who may need one. You're awesome. xo
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I don't have much else to say, but... If YOU need to talk about it, I'm around.
ReplyDeleteThank you, sweet lady<3 same to you, always.
ReplyDeleteIt NEEDS to be talked about though. I know that so often people are ashamed, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.. I am sorry to hear about your loss. If you ever need to talk, I'm all ears.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right about mental health being important. Until someone struggles with depression on their own, it's hard to understand. I know I used to have the idea that you could just.. be happy and the sadness will go away, but it doesn't work like that.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Jessica. It is hard to people to understand. Like I told the above Jessica, I used to feel the way that you could just be happy and things would go away, but when you struggle with depression, it isn't that easy.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your loss, too. It's sad that children will have to grow up without their parents. Listening and caring is huge..I feel most people reach out before they decide to take their own life and if people would jsut stop and listen, it could be prevented.
ReplyDeleteI'm incredibly sorry for your loss Sabrina.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to talk, you have my email and can use it any time.
Thank you so much for posting about this.
I don't think people realize how serious of a problem this is.
How people can seem perfectly fine..on the outside.
May your friend rest in peace.
May his family be able to make sense of this terrible loss.
May all who are suffering get the help they need.
I've always tried to help those that come to me in hard times.
I always take people's problems seriously.
-XO Abbigayle Rashae
-trueblueabbi.blogspot.com
I know this is late to the post but I'm so sorry for your loss. This was beautifully written and I'm always so grateful to hear people speak about suicide with compassion. As someone who has also struggled from time to time with suicidal thoughts, know you can also reach out to me - and many others who have already commented here. It's such a deep internal struggle we're so afraid to share, and I have to thank you for sharing this with us.
ReplyDelete