I know that most of you probably know about Mikal. He's has his fair share of mentions on this blog + he's even wrote for it. If for some reason you're unaware, Mikal was my boyfriend. Mikal and I decided to call it quits a while ago. I haven't really said anything about it until now for a few reasons.
Mikal and I started having a lot of problems around the time I went to Project Walk and being apart was just honestly killing us. Long distance is hard and it takes a lot of work, trust and patience to make it really work. I feel like we were doing great but the three months we were apart just became too much so when I came to Indiana after California, we were already ticked off at each other. I spent two weeks with Mikal and the whole time we fought. Our fights were always about stupid things and I think we both just told each other we could make it work. During the first two weeks I was at Mikals, I had been asking for him to pay a little more attention to me. We spent a lot of time with other people around and I mean, we hadn't seen each other in three months, I wanted his attention. The times we were together and alone, we were fighting. I loved being around his friends because I don't really have anyone here in Tennessee but I wanted time alone with him.
I had started messaging a guy I used to talk to and I told Mikal about him. Mikal obviously wasn't thrilled about it. I had explained to Mikal how it made me feel happy because this guy (we will call him Luke) was interested in me, he was excited to talk to me and I was excited to have someone to talk to. Luke and I were just friends but then I started feeling like maybe I liked Luke and maybe I wanted to be with Luke. Obviously this caused a few more problems with Mikal and I, so I stopped talking to Luke. Mikal basically told me I had to stop talking to Luke or we would be over.
After all this happened, I just really started to feel like maybe Mikal may not be the ONE for me. The whole purpose of dating, is to marry. If I was feeling like maybe Mikal MAY NOT be the one for me, why would I still date him? It really began to weigh on my a lot, Mikal and I didn't really see eye to eye on things I thought were important. Mikal hadn't really held a job since we started dating and I was ready to move out on my own and I wanted him to go with me. If he couldn't hold a job, how would he help pay for a house? What if we got married or had children, how would we afford it? I've always been a person who worries about those things and Mikal said he just wanted to live in the moment. He didn't really want to go college and better himself. I look back now and think maybe I am too hard on people and maybe I was too hard on him.
We went back and forth a lot and that's why I haven't said much about it. I wasn't (and I'm still not 100%) sure what was happening. I don't want to be one of the over dramatic girls who posts about it all the internet and five minutes later say "Just Kidding. We are together." I honestly feel dramatic posting about it here but I sort of needed a way to vent about it and writing is that vent for me. Yeah, I could have wrote in my journal or something but I also knew people would be asking about him and I didn't want to type this out each time. I don't think we will be done for good, I hope there's still a future for us but I also can't see the future.
I've been a shitty blogger recently and this may be part of it. I've just been struggling a lot and I know it's shows through this. I want to write more because I honestly feel like most of you are the people who help get me through rough patches. All the comments, emails and tweets where you were share your own personal stories really help me and give me a new view on things. I'm thankful for that and I'm thankful for all of you.
You are so strong and so beautiful! Email me! I'd love to talk to you! :)
ReplyDelete(I'm definitely going to email you later so don't think this is all I have to say but...) I think you are so strong and so well spoken. It's incredibly difficult to find the line as a blogger about what you're going to share on the internet which (sometimes...most times) can be a judgmental and temperamental place. I've always appreciated your honesty and openness in this space and wanted to be as genuine as you. Blogging about things "in the moment" can be tricky and I'm glad you chose to wait and see before posting. Don't ever worry about being "shitty blogger" - we all love you and this space that you've created for readers. Keep your chin up, lovely. Much love to you :]
ReplyDeleteZ, you are so kind. Thank you for that. I know the internet can be a horrible place and people can be mean, thankfully I've only dealt with it a few times. I know my family reads this blog, I know my IRL friends read this blog and I know Mikal will also read this. I don't want to bash him because he isn't a bad dude, we just aren't good together right now. I think if I would have wrote about it when it all started going south, I would have been angry and hostile towards him and I don't want to give him a bad rep OR make myself like bad. Sometimes things just fall apart.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Miranda! You can always email me whenever but I'll get an email sent to you!
ReplyDeleteI love that you chose to open up to us with this. Thank you. I don't think you're at all a "shitty blogger" for having a personal life and personal struggles. Know you have at least one reader (and I'm sure many more) who will keep reading through all of your posts, however few or far between.
ReplyDeleteYou're more than welcome :] Yes, of course - you have such a good perspective on this already, I wish I had your poise. I get so caught up in this crazy mix of emotions that I'll usually explode on social media, but I'm trying to get better. And yes, things fall apart, but they also fall together in the same way. :]]]
ReplyDeleteOh, I am a crazy case of emotions right now. I'm confused and hurt. but I know words hurt and I don't want to say something that could really damage him or me later in life. Break ups are shit and stupid.. I know that this is how it is supposed to be, even though it hurts like hell. I'll be happier in the end. If we aren't meant to be, there is no reason he or I should hold on or waste our time.. and letting go now is easier than waiting another year. If we are meant to be, it will find it's way.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Megan. I'm glad you will stick around and listen to my crazy ramblings about life. I am also glad you also allow me to share my personal struggles with you.
ReplyDeleteAll so true. Makes much more sense to take a break and reevaluate what you want and need out of a relationship, and then if you guys can work things out, great! If not, then you're already on your way to discovering a new path in life.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to be able to say 'He's not the one'. I was engaged to the person I thought was the one, and it was really really hard to admit that he wasn't. But, it was the best thing I ever did. It led me to my actual one. And I don't think it's dramatic to post this sort of thing. It's a good way to get thoughts clear in your head. x
ReplyDeleteI just don't know. The way he was, wasn't what I wanted to marry. I guess I sort of had this thought like "He will change.. give it time." but we were together almost 10 months and it never got better. I know what I want in a future man and I shouldn't allow myself to settle.. I'm glad it lead you to your "one" I love hearing happy stories like that.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we question who we are with. I have and i think its normal. Rough patches can take their toll but you have to decide if you want to work through the rough patches. I know the guy im with now is the one. We always work through everything and communication is the key. He may not always like hearing my feelings but at least he knows what they are. You have to be willing to say im with this person no matter what happens. I dont want anyone else for any reason. My honest opinion is that if you are turning to other people for what your relationship lacks then he is probably not the one. When you find that one you will say i want his attentions. No one elses and i will do what i have to in order to make that clear. And the job thing is an issue too...i could see that becoming an issue later down the road. I honestly dont know you that well or him at all but from what ive read it seems you are more mature than he is. Thinking about the future is a mature thing to do. And if he isnt thinking about that then hes probably not ready to grow up. Just my point of view.
ReplyDeleteSo first off I should give my $0.02.. you are not a shitty blogger, let me tell you. You are far from being one. You're an excellent blogger and an excellent human being. It takes a lot of courage to post these type of things, and just pertain in a life of the internet and that's admirable. Not many people can truly say "He might not be the one for me". You are such a true blogger, and that's rare.
ReplyDeleteYou just have to recognize that it's okay to have different feelings. It's normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
I'm just like you: I think about the future most of the time, than the 'now'. Sometimes I worry too much and I don't realize it.
Give yourself a break. Take the time to really sit back and just relax. Yeah, you may not be as productive on the blog or just daily live in general as you may have before but, you are not superwoman. It's okay to give yourself a break. It's okay to not be as up-kept on the blog as you were. Us other bloggers have done the same thing, it's normal, it's understandable.
Consider not going through this alone. Talking with friends or family about your feelings on the situation can definitely help you a lot more than it may seem. You never know until you experiment and try. Whatever you do, do not set yourself apart from everything. That only causes the stress, potential anger and hate to just build up, and that just makes it harder for everyone else in the party to
Most importantly... we all are here for you. Even though we are just over the internet, doesn't meant that there is a true friendship between all of us. We all are here and we all are open ears to vent to. I thank you for opening up with us, it takes a lot of confidence to do so.
Like I always say: "There's always a positive to a negative." And there truly is. Wishing the best, it'll be okay. Xoxo Jordan.
(Re-posting because I accidentally said 'marriage'.. LOL My apologies)
ReplyDeleteSo first off I should give my $0.02.. you are not a shitty blogger, let me tell you. You are far from being one. You're an excellent blogger and an excellent human being. It takes a lot of courage to post these type of things, and just pertain in a life of the internet and that's admirable. Not many people can truly say "He might not be the one for me". You are such a true blogger, and that's rare.
You just have to recognize that it's okay to have different feelings. It's normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
I'm just like you: I think about the future most of the time, than the 'now'. Sometimes I worry too much and I don't realize it.
Give yourself a break. Take the time to really sit back and just relax. Yeah, you may not be as productive on the blog or just daily live in general as you may have before but, you are not superwoman. It's okay to give yourself a break. It's okay to not be as up-kept on the blog as you were. Us other bloggers have done the same thing, it's normal, it's understandable.
Consider not going through this alone. Talking with friends or family about your feelings on the situation can definitely help you a lot more than it may seem. You never know until you experiment and try. Whatever you do, do not set yourself apart from everything. That only causes the stress, potential anger and hate to just build up, and that just makes it harder for everyone else in the party to
Most importantly... we all are here for you. Even though we are just over the internet, doesn't meant that there is a true friendship between all of us. We all are here and we all are open ears to vent to. I thank you for opening up with us, it takes a lot of confidence to do so.
Like I always say: "There's always a positive to a negative." And there truly is. Wishing the best, it'll be okay. Xoxo Jordan.
Thank you so much Jordan! You are so sweet and I really appreciate you taking so much time to write out these words because they are so nice to read. It's nice to know that I'm not at this alone. Break up's are hard and this is my first REAL relationship since my wreck. Someone I finally stripped down and let all the walls come down and now it's scary knowing I have to pick up the pieces and find someone else and share all those secrets with again. It's difficult, but again I'm thankful I have people like you (and everyone else who has commented/emailed me) because I know that I'm not alone. Everyone has shitty break ups and I love knowing I have people to support me through this.
ReplyDeleteMore importantly I need friends now more than ever because I honestly DO sit here and want to text him. I've blocked him on every social media site so I don't have to see his stuff but it still hurts a lot.
Thank you.
We worked through this at first fine. But like he told me, he just kind of gave up on the relationship. He stopped having interests in us and I can't make him or I be interested in something we just aren't anymore. You are right about the fact that if i'm turning to other people, he isn't the one. I also kind of hope that in time, things will be different but I can't expect either of us to hold on to something that we aren't sure about. what's meant to be will always find it's way.
ReplyDeleteI always said things like "maybe one day you will grow up and realize" and he would be so upset at that. I just kind of felt the same way you do, like maybe he still does have growing up to do.. and maybe he won't ever "grow up" maybe he just honestly has different views for life than I do. and of course, those things aren't going to work together.
thank you for commenting and sharing your thoughts.
Sabrina, you sweety are not a shitty blogger. I love sitting on your side bar and I love emailing with you as well.
ReplyDeleteyou are right though, us (your readers) were kinda wondering what was going on with you and Mikal, OK, OK! I your reader was wondering LOL now I know and its so awesome to have an outlet like blogging to express our struggles as well as our triumphs. break ups can be hard but you my friend will be just fine. God bless you Sabrina!
Thank you, so much. It's getting easier and of course, he and I still talk from time to time. With lots of prayers, chocolate and Netflix, I will learn to deal! thank you
ReplyDelete